"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

-  Michael Gary Scott, The Office 

Discontent

I know you shouldn't trust the things you tell yourself late at night because your mind isn't in the right place but right now I really feel like doing something. I mean, SOMETHING. Like set off on a yacht with pillows and a mattress out back and cuddle up and watch the stars and just, float. Or go on a road trip. Or have a new room to decorate. Or sit on the highest point of a city and sing songs. Something that makes me feel... larger than life. Or perhaps minuscule in an infinite universe. Either way, I will still feel that kick; that 'wow'.

Back to reality; it is time for me to sleep. So I will continue my dreams later.



I love irony.

Hey, how's it going up there?

I feel so far away from God.
I don't think I've ever been this inconsistent in my practices. Though part of me is lazy and will give in to the 'mercy' I expect later on, I also feel obligated and guilty that I've been neglecting not only my faith but my friend. At this time in my life I feel like I've been given so so so much; so many opportunities, so much success, people who love and care about me; on top of that I'm also grateful for a reflective mind.

I feel a suppressed indignation sometimes when I come across proclamations on social media of people's sensationalised faith, probably because I was brought up to give my penance privately. Perhaps I feel this way also because I am envious of their possibly legit sense of totality. Gone are the days that I'd so actively participate in churchly activities, prioritising the church youth group over many other things and seeing a goal in being there. Gone are the days I'd listen intently to our youth formators speak of their faith. Gone are the days I'd enthusiastically seek to have a fuller spirit.

I guess I'm taking it all for granted. I owe so much to Him, because even though I stopped being habitual in prayer (which sadly, I cannot remember when), only good things have been coming my way, and this assures me that He is a patient, merciful and ever-giving father. I take so much for granted. And in taking my family and friends for granted, I do not appreciate Him enough. How do I overcome this inertia and regain my hunger for spirituality? This (ironically) I'll need to pray about. 

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE??

Okay this is not gonna be a post about my purpose in life. -.-

Had a meltdown today; one of my overly-tired, self-pitying moments that I'd later question regretfully but substantiate with the knowledge of its therapy. Basically I cracked (maybe it's a burn out?) because I was overwhelmed with all the stuff I had to get done on top of school and knowing that even as I am so insufficiently rested, I will not get the relief I need anytime soon.

I need to know what I'm working for, what my priorities are, what I want to achieve this year. And I think dance wise, the answer to my priorities is very simple. I just need to ask myself what I enjoy and what is important to me, because I know of myself that mostly, my heart leads, not my mind.

Dance wise, these make the top of my list now. (In no particular order)

- In The Making

- Lambado

- Siren

- Other gigs under DCA

Studies will share the top priority next to ITM I guess. Now that I'm in uni and it's not like secondary school or JC mid-years that don't count for anything; every exam counts, and it kind of determines a large portion of my future. Simply, I have more at risk now.

What do I want to achieve?

An awesome ITM, impactful Lambado showcase, to do well for Siren's performances and competition, and learn and have fun through DCA's gigs.

Other than that, the stuff that I don't really place as my priorities, I'll just make do and go with it until the time comes to make a decision whether to carry on or not. I'll try to make it work first. Yes.

:) I'm thankful for the people around me today, who let me know it's okay.

I really can't wait for Christmas too.

Until then, let's not let Christmas be the only season of giving and live generously every day.

Haha so positive.

K, peace.

Inspiration & Impact

Being a rather new instructor in the Dance industry, leaving my first job was somewhat a milestone. (not that getting it wasn't). I was rather sad to know that I wouldn't be able to see the CHIJ OLQP dancers anymore, to see their splits slowly get lower by the weeks, despite their noise and over the top comments, they're still very endearing and I will miss their unwittingly blatant comments :'( I feel very warmed when the girls are enthusiastic about dancing their item or when they actually hold their stretches with determination. Maybe they're doing it now out of fear but I hope in time to come they learn to persevere for themselves and no one else. Nevertheless, it makes me feel like there is a meaning and purpose to my job, which makes me want to push myself even more.

Well the main importance of the job aside, the politics of it has become very disappointing. Sometimes I feel like it's all just a business. Okay it probably is but it's so sad to see the art being marketed at the expense of the dancers themselves.

*Please note that this is only true in some cases and that there are many companies out there with the purest intention of true Dance education.

So, two things:

1. Companies underpaying dancers and instructors

2. Companies passing off half-past-six steps has legit technique for various genres

(haha six step)

The latter disturbs me more as the solution to the first one is simple: just don't take the job.

The usage of the the name of 'Hip Hop' seems very fluid especially when it comes to primary schools and is thrown around like a key to access such areas in the demand pool, as if making the promise that their students are going to learn the fundamentals of a very popular genre. Unfortunately this promise sometimes is not lived up to and what the unknowing students receive instead is an extremely watered down version of directionally variated steps verging on aerobics.

It's sad that on the receiving end, some students with the genuine interest to learn Dance are getting diluted adaptations of what they asked for, and don't even know it. I think it's solely in the hands of the instructor now to cater the bona fide material to the classroom and to have full confidence in the legitimacy of his/her substance. Kudos and respect to those I've worked with who's intentions encompass bringing back the authenticity of the genres the students are entitled to learn.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part, because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness. It is not excitement. It is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just  being 'in love' which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is leftover when being in love has burnt away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."